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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Bummerman Strikes Again!

So it was 102 degrees in Seattle today. Dingo, Moose and I decided to sit out the afternoon swelter in the air-conditioned opulence of the Pacific Place theater. To kill four hours, we saw (500) Days of Dumber Summer... a rom-com that dares to ask, "What if... boy doesn't get girl?!" One of the producers was apparently so stricken with this novelty that he insisted that the film have a lame narrator that immediately points this twist out after the opening credits. If only the narrator had instead said, "You probably won't like this film very much because, even if it's a bit novel, the charisma of the lead actors only goes so far and the film doesn't really have that much to say." That would have been awesome. At one point, the film actually takes a lampooning jab at European cinema (Bergman among others) which takes an awful lot of balls for a film this shallow.

We walked out and I had to buy a calorie-laced icecream cookie sandwich to get the sacharrine flavor out of my mouth. Next stop was Public Embarrassment Enemies. I cannot imagine a better cast or a more fascinating and roguish lead character being more completely squandered. Note to Michael Mann: Your hi-def video cameras look like TOTAL CRAP. If I wanted to watch TV, I'd stay at home and watch my FREAKIN' TV. The great thing about film is that it looks distinctively like film... not like outtakes from an episode of COPS. Also: How is it even possible that two and a half hours of Johnny Depp could be this boring. The script is partially to blame... but the editing was even worse. It showed all of Peter Jackson's restraint combined with all of Uwe Boll's talent. Not only did the tommy guns sound exactly like a string of firecrackers, at one point a gun suddenly goes off about 3 inches from a hostage's head. The actor doesn't even flinch. If there's one unforgiveable sin in action flicks, it's impotence... and this one had about as much punch as a Dustin Diamond haymaker.

These films rated 70 and 75 respectively on Metacritic.... Higher on Rotten Tomatoes. Is it possible that the heat made me a tad grumpy and that these are actually above average offerings? Or is it more likely that the REST OF THE WORLD SUCKS and that ONLY BUMMERMAN SEES THE TRUTH!?!

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