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Sunday, February 20, 2011

And so the World Must be Remade

As I wrote over at the Little Spark blog, it's the end of an era. Shortly after my last blog post on November 10th, my five-year romantic relationship with Olaiya ended. A week later I announced this momentous change to the universe by updating my Facebook status. The world has come undone, so the world must be remade.

The last two months have been spent thinking about what stays and what blows. I find myself lacking so much and wondering how to replace what's been lost, and about how to staunch the bleeding after half my identity has been ripped away. But the process has come with surprising clarity. I knew I needed to reorder my space (my apartment and my head.) I knew I needed to reconnect with things that I'd lost along the way. I needed to remember laughter at dinner parties and game nights, art projects, exercise, music, and what it feels like to have a good day at work. I built myself a new bed frame. I scoured craigslist for comfortable chairs and found coffee mugs at Value Village. I reached out for help from old friends and found it easily given and comforting.

I remembered this blog... and how, despite being on life support, it's actually older than my relationship with Olaiya. And it is something that I wish to return to. But to do that, I think I have to examine the roots and the trunk of this old tree. I don't want to breath life into new branches or paint vibrant Spring leaves until I'm satisfied with what's already here.

So my next project, self-indulgent though it may be, will be to go back and reread every Stave It Off entry, eliminating the boring, the unworthy, the pointless. I know there are posts that I'm proud of and I will leave those standing, but I may have also written a post or two about what I was intending to have for lunch that day. Those must die. I don't know if the urge to write will return in earnest, but I know what it feels like when your house is out of order... how impossible it feels to do anything when you don't even know if you own a can-opener anymore. It feels good and necessary when you buy that new can-opener. I spent a half hour picking it out after looking at four different models. If nothing else happened that day, I know that I took that small step in remaking my world.

Just as I have redesigned my apartment to match my tastes and my needs, so I will reorder my online diary. Maybe I'll repost old favorites to Facebook in the hopes that a reader or two will also enjoy the fruits of this exercise.

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