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Thursday, February 25, 2010

Bummerman's 2010 Pre-Oscars Review

The Oscars don't air until March 7th... presumably so that idiotic rom-coms released around Valentines Day can still snag a nomination for the 2009 Best Picture. Pushing it out this far past the holiday Oscar buzz season is a mistake, but given the number of blunders the academy makes every year, that's hardly newsworthy. Conversely, doubling the number of Best Pic nominees from 5 to 10 is actually smart... so... that's a surprise.

I finished my quest of trying to watch every significant film of 2009. I came up a few short, but just couldn't bring myself to watch Crazy Heart... and couldn't find illegal copies of 35 Rhums or Panique au Village with English subtitles. So, I'll just have to do my best. I previously listed my own selections for the most interesting films of the year... but I'm not here to talk about good movies, I'm here now to talk about the Oscars. So here you go.

And the Nominees for Best Picture are:
The Blind Side
District 9
An Education
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
A Serious Man
Up in the Air

Apparently Avatar and The Hurt Locker are frontrunners, which is all very dramatic because the respective directors used to date or something. Which is all very E-Newsy to me... which is all very "Who gives a crap!?" Avatar is a bloated mess, and has no more business being nominated for this award than Inglourious Basterds does. Oh wait, I forgot to include my "People are friggin' morons" factor into the equation. Seriously, these films are the cinematic equivalent of a cheeseburger. I'm not saying cheeseburgers can't be delicious... but do you really think a cheeseburger (ANY cheeseburger) should be in the running for best meal of the year? If you answered yes, you're an idiot. But take heart. You'll be vindicated when Avatar actually wins this stupid contest. And I'll feel yet another stake driven through my cold black heart. Seriously, screw you guys.

And to those who think I'm just immune to any movie with emotion or sentimentality... you're wrong. The best picture of the year was Up.

Other nominees that don't make me angry: District 9, Hurt Locker, and A Serious Man.

For Best Actor: well, crap. I didn't see 3 of the 5 relevant pictures. This is supposed to be Jeff Bridges' year... and if you subscribe to the idea that this award should occasionally be a lifetime achievement award... I think he probably deserves it.

For Best Actress: If you subscribe to the theory that acting is a measure of how well you can inhabit someone else, then it's tough to root against Meryl Streep's portrayal of Julia Child. And if you think.... wait... seriously... is Sandra Bullock seriously being considered for an Oscar?! JFC.

For Supporting Actor: who cares?

For Supporting Actress: This should go to Mo'Nique. But, it can be hard to vote for someone playing such an unlovable character. So I'll be happy if it goes to Vera Farmiga instead. Up in the Air isn't perfect, but her performance was.

For Best Animated Feature: Exactly one of the five nominees is also being considered in the Best Picture category. That should make this a no-brainer. Instead, I expect the academy to select Disney's Princess and the Frog. I will laugh as America collectively sees nothing wrong with this at all.

For Art Direction: Avatar actually should be credited here... but the award could also go to Sherlock Holmes and I'd be happy.

For Cinematography: This absolutely belongs to Hurt Locker. Any other pick is criminal. So of course, don't be surprised when Harry Potter wins. Dear lord, what a rancid sack of pig feces.

For Costumes: I dunno. Ask a girl or something. I didn't see any of these films.

For Directing: My guess is that Katheryn Bigelow wins this... as compensation for losing on Best Picture to a steaming pile of 3D chest-beating. The funny thing is, Tarentino actually believes he deserves this award. It will be a little satisfying to see him lose.

For Best Original Screenplay: A Serious Man should win. Up would be okay. Inglourious Basterds or The Hurt Locker would be mistakes. Maybe I should see the 5th selection: The Messenger. Films that get nods in this category are usually the kind that I like best.

For Best Adapted Screenplay: I don't believe it! These are actually all good nominees. I'd kind of like to see In the Loop honored here. It probably won't happen for the same reason Precious won't get it: They can't really show any clips of the best bits of writing due to the excessive profanity. I'll guess that it goes to An Education... because everyone loves Nick Hornby's safe-but-awkward stabs at profundity. Whatever.

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At 2/25/2010 06:59:00 PM, Anonymous robynlee said...

Thanks for the funniest few minutes of my week (at least). That's in the funny cause it's true category. I'm so confused by the whole situation I'm not having an oscar party, and that's fucked, cause the hors d'oeuvres are awesome and the red carpet and pool are good fun.

At 3/08/2010 09:30:00 AM, Blogger John said...

Alright! I was wrong about almost everything! And happily so in many cases.

I can't believe how much The Hurt Locker pwned Avatar. I didn't see that coming. Also glad to see Mo'Nique honored.

I will say that cinematography should have gone to The Hurt Locker too... but that's quibbling since they got Best Picture and Best Director.

After all the hoopla, I'm left feeling that I should probably still see The Last Station, The Blindside, Crazy Heart, The Secret of Kells, The Messenger, and The Secret in their Eyes.


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