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Thursday, March 09, 2006

Damn You IHOP!

Well, it's finally happened. I knew it would. Someone has stolen the first of my million dollar ideas.

Well, the first was actually the "clitorette": A cigarette designed to target homophobic males who suspected that smoking made them look gay (or lesbians who feared smoking might make them straight!) It was a smoke with a filter designed to replicate the smell, color and shape of the clitoris rather than a plain old phalic cigarette. Besides, women look sexy with a cigarette in their mouths because they are symbolically (and publicly) performing a sex act; why shouldn't men enjoy the same privilege?

But IHOP would never be bold enough to steal the clitorette idea. No, they've instead stolen my plan to mass-market deep fried cheesecake. Cheesecake has long been the richest, most decadent dessert available. So, of course, we should have it deep fried! It's the American way. My original plan was to flash-fry frozen balls of cheesecake rolled in graham cracker crumbs. Then serve them like McNuggets with a variety of dipping sauces typically associated with cheesecake: lemon, raspberry, chocolate, etc. IHOP has instead wrapped it in a flaky crust, surrounded it with fried bananas and oozed caramel sauce all over the top. Needless to say, it was pretty damn good. And the blogosphere is abuzz about it.

OK... since I realize that no one smokes anymore (and IHOP beat me to the implementation of my other great idea) I'm just going to toss out my last great plan for becoming filthy rich. Hopefully someone will make a fortune and then give me a percentage out of guilt. And no, this isn't my crackpot idea of having a ceramic sculpture of a roll of toilet paper in your bathroom just to fool people into thinking it was safe to do their business... and then, surprise!

My last great idea is simple. Chinese and Mexican food used to have a strangle hold on America's appetite for ethnicity (Pizza is more American than Italian, and don't even get me started on the Olive Garden.) Then about 10 years ago, Thai food came along and kicked the crap out of everything else. I think half of America is living on chicken phad thai at this point. BUT, it's really hard to get thai food delivered. There's about 100 pizza joints and Chinese places that will rush food right to your door, but I don't know anywhere that will deliver excellent piping hot drunken noodles. So there you go... Thai (maybe Vietnamese too) delivery. Go forth and make millions of dollars. Just remember who loves ya baby.



At 3/09/2006 01:14:00 PM, Blogger wheylona said...

What I wouldn't give for deliverable Thai food (though hell, at this point I'd settle for Thai food ANYWHERE in San Se). But I've always wished that there were a dessert delivery service. Granted, it's probably a very good thing for America's already greatly expanded waistline that there isn't such a thing...but wouldn't it be heavenly? Just imagine having deep-fried cheesecake balls delivered to your door...yuuuuuum.

At 3/09/2006 09:33:00 PM, Blogger walaka said...

Acording to recent info from the National Restaurant Association, there are 925,000 restaurants in the U.S.

According to recent info from the Thai government, there are 3,000 Thai restaurants in the U.S. (0.3%).

Even if that estimate is off by a factor of 10, Thai food is a miniscule portion of the U.S. restaurant business. It is one of the fastest growing segments of the industry; in the same manner, Prius has the fastest growing sales of any car - but that doesn't mean there are a lot of them out there.

Which is not to say that your phaddy-wagon idea won't fly; I just think it's a PNW phenomenon, not national.

At 3/25/2006 03:22:00 PM, Blogger Ned said...

I wonder if Thai food obsession is not a west coast obsession? I have no data. I refer you to the Hud for that.

At 3/25/2006 03:23:00 PM, Blogger Ned said...

BTW: dessert and coffee delivery has long been my fantasy business to start

movies, too, but I guess Netflix beat me to it.


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