Damn You IHOP!

Well, it's finally happened. I knew it would. Someone has stolen the first of my million dollar ideas.

Well, the first was actually the "clitorette": A cigarette designed to target homophobic males who suspected that smoking made them look gay (or lesbians who feared smoking might make them straight!) It was a smoke with a filter designed to replicate the smell, color and shape of the clitoris rather than a plain old phalic cigarette. Besides, women look sexy with a cigarette in their mouths because they are symbolically (and publicly) performing a sex act; why shouldn't men enjoy the same privilege?

But IHOP would never be bold enough to steal the clitorette idea. No, they've instead stolen my plan to mass-market deep fried cheesecake. Cheesecake has long been the richest, most decadent dessert available. So, of course, we should have it deep fried! It's the American way. My original plan was to flash-fry frozen balls of cheesecake rolled in graham cracker crumbs. Then serve them like McNuggets with a variety of dipping sauces typically associated with cheesecake: lemon, raspberry, chocolate, etc. IHOP has instead wrapped it in a flaky crust, surrounded it with fried bananas and oozed caramel sauce all over the top. Needless to say, it was pretty damn good. And the blogosphere is abuzz about it.

OK... since I realize that no one smokes anymore (and IHOP beat me to the implementation of my other great idea) I'm just going to toss out my last great plan for becoming filthy rich. Hopefully someone will make a fortune and then give me a percentage out of guilt. And no, this isn't my crackpot idea of having a ceramic sculpture of a roll of toilet paper in your bathroom just to fool people into thinking it was safe to do their business... and then, surprise!

My last great idea is simple. Chinese and Mexican food used to have a strangle hold on America's appetite for ethnicity (Pizza is more American than Italian, and don't even get me started on the Olive Garden.) Then about 10 years ago, Thai food came along and kicked the crap out of everything else. I think half of America is living on chicken phad thai at this point. BUT, it's really hard to get thai food delivered. There's about 100 pizza joints and Chinese places that will rush food right to your door, but I don't know anywhere that will deliver excellent piping hot drunken noodles. So there you go... Thai (maybe Vietnamese too) delivery. Go forth and make millions of dollars. Just remember who loves ya baby.